Ok, Cupid, Where are you hiding the normal guys?

Welcome to Part 2 of my online dating adventures.  As I stated in Part 1, I went on a few dates with guys from OkCupid when I first moved here, but after some dates varying from mediocre to not-so-great I had to take a break for a while.  The break ended about a month ago, when I actually started browsing OKC’s website again.  I decided I needed to put myself ‘out there’ again, and I promised myself that I was actually going to go out with someone (as opposed to clicking through tons of profiles haphazardly and accepting my impending spinsterhood).

John sent me a message.  It said:

  • I think you are cute wow, and when I read you very a bubbly personality, that’s adorable, and then you might have an accident (he means accent). I’m hoping you message me. Sorry I never actually said hi, lol Hinthere. I’m John. I’m very much the creative type to, I’m out there doing stand up and have a side job to pay the bills as well. So tell me more about you…what’s your name?

Since I was trying not to be too judgmental, I decided to  let the spelling errors slide.  He seemed pretty normal, so I messaged him back.  We exchanged phone numbers and sent a few texts back and forth.  Mostly we talked about tv shows we liked.  A few days later, John asked if I wanted to get together for a drink over the weekend.

He wanted to meet in Bucktown (a neighborhood a bit south of me).  I chose a bar around the corner from a friend’s house and told John to meet me at 1:30 on Saturday.  I spent most of the morning running errands, so by the time I got to the bar I was starving.

John seemed nice enough.  Not great looking but very friendly.  I ordered food which meant I was committed to sitting with this guy long enough for a meal.  That’s when the fun really started.  Some fun highlights included: a story about how he got kicked out of Canada, he wants to be a stand up comedian but he doesn’t want to make people laugh, and he’s written a book (just for himself, not published) about his previous jobs dressing as an elf or bunny.  But here’s what really stood out:

Red flag #1:  He referred to his sister as ‘evil spawn’.  The first time he mentioned this, I thought it was just a joke.  But he continued to talk about how much he hated his sister. Even if you have the most dysfunctional of families, please don’t share this information on a first date.  PLUS, if your sister once tried to convince your family that you were beating up your mom (whether it was true or not), don’t tell anybody, EVER!

Red flag #2:  He is 30 and works at a deli.  Ok, I know the job market is in the toilet these days BUT it wasn’t just the fact that he works in a deli.  He has only been working there for a month, and he told me a story about calling in sick to work and having his boss chew him out about.  I think I responded by saying something like, “Yeah, sometimes you get sick.”  He made a face that made me think ‘sick’ was code for ‘hung over’ or ‘just don’t feel like it’.  He didn’t say it outright, but I am sensing that this guy has been fired a time or two before.

  •  Can I just say that we are at 2 Red Flags and my food has JUST arrived.  I knew at this point that John and I would not be sharing a lasting connection.  However, I could tell that the club sandwich and I were meant for each other.

Red flag #3:  Trying to maintain to most basic of conversation I asked “Where did you go to school?” His answer was about high school…and high school only.  This would have been bad enough, but then he went on to explain that he went to the alternative school (for kids with behavior problems, I think?) and didn’t even finish.  He got his G.E.D.

  • I tried to focus on my sandwich.  But I must have an amazing poker face, because he just kept on sharing.  Which brings us to…

Red flag #4:  Towards the end of the meal, he said he needed to be honest with me.  (Oh no, this can not be good.)  His announcement was (drum roll please)  He still lives with his ex-girlfriend.  SAY WHAT!?!  They broke up in October and he’s too nice to kick her out because she’s uneployed and blah, blah, blah.  At this point my face could no longer stay disconnected from my brain and my face must have given everything away.  “You’re judging, aren’t you.”  I responded truthfully saying something about this being a surprise and a complicated situation.

Here’s what I should have said, “Of COURSE, I’m judging.  You just told me that you hate your sister, you never graduated high school, and even though you are living with your ex-girlfriend you are looking for dates online!”  But I didn’t say this.  I’m too nice.  Finally, it was time to pay and leave this disaster behind.  John mentioned maybe wanting to go out again, and I smiled and said maybe and then practically ran to my friend’s house.

If you ever have a bad date, you should definitely immediately take your gay friend to see Catching Fire and forget about ending up like a cat lady.  That’s what I did, and it turned out to be a splendid afternoon.

Thank you, Peeta and Katniss. You saved my Saturday.

A few days after the date, John sent me a text that said something like this:

  • Kate, you’re really sweet and a great girl.  I don’t think this is a good time for me to be dating anyone.  I hope you find what you’re looking for.

That’s right – he’s the one who officially broke it off.  I was relieved but at the same time a little ticked that he was the one to do it first.  The lesson here: Never excuse spelling errors and bad grammar.  You will regret it.

I’m kind of on another break from OkCupid.

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8 responses

  1. Did not see Red Flag #4 coming! A-fearing that I’m sounding too much like a mother (can’t help that I am) – glad HE broke it off. BTW, I don’t comment much on your blogs but I do keep up and you are a wonderful writer and make me laugh. Keep ’em coming! Idea: next first date, have gay friend at a nearby table. He could pretend to be your live-in bf once you give the sign. 🙂

  2. What a good laugh today when I am grading papers and getting ready to
    give an exam! I try not to be judgmental about the spelling and grammar too
    because it could honestly be a typo right? However, I think it always ends
    up being a big deal. I know he’s out there. Keep looking.

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